New Rules for Democratic Candidates

We're only a couple of months into 2020 and already the proverbial ground is shifting in the political world, and having read almost 10 tweets hashtagged with #politics, I'm ready to tell Democratic candidates the best strategy (I mean, they're all the best but plural nouns confuse me when I'm short on Red Bull and simultaneously listening to a Joe Rogan podcast)

• Under no circumstances should you accept any campaign donations greater than $10. As we are well aware, this nation has a proud tradition of electing candidates that received the highest number of contributions from "everyday people." Ronald Reagan was famous for only accepting $5 bills from people on the street during his California Gubernatorial race.
•  Only hire campaign staff that are willing to work for ramen and suffering. They should be highly skilled, of course, and above reproach in every possible way.
• If participating in a "caucus", remember to take great care and consideration when selecting a high school gymnasium from which to select a representative of the nation & person who will command the the largest and most vicious military in history. Create an excel spreadsheet of all the regional mascots and accompanying wordage. Sort by proximity to a charter school. Select the one with the worst parking
• Compile a histogram timeline of words commonly used in a sexist and diminutive sense regarding women. Examples: Shrill, high pitched, whining, pathetic, bickering, easily manipulated and powerless. Now apply all of these to yourself and your party.
• Open a Twitter account and make sure your notifications are audible. That way you can know instantly when a random 17-year old fresh into the foster system needs to hurl sexually specific accusations into your DM's at 3am. He'll be a voter one day, so remember that!
• Some voting blocs may demand specific concessions, like watching you fuck a bald eagle. Bear in mind you support "big tent" politics and if it takes a few eagle-fuckers to get you into office so you can finally enact  your Great Plan For America, well, then the eagle-fuckers get a voice. Just a less than $10 per individual eagle-fucker voice... 
• DON'T BE UNELECTABLE: Here are some things that typically earn a candidate the dreaded "unelectable" scarlet letter...
• Being a woman
• Being a Democrat
• Being non-white
• Speaking languages other than "American"
• Having parents from somewhere other than "just up the road"
• Complete sentences.
• Hold no wealth. Homes and steady incomes are for the 1%. To truly represent the "real america" you must suffer more than your constituents. If you've gone to college, be sure to convey you learned nothing.
• Listen to your constituents (or their favorite podcast). The corpulent, high-school dropout truck driver who's double-wide sits in floodplain most likely possesses a nuanced grasp of the finer contours of international diplomacy. Just kidding! He likes meth.

Final note: NONE of this applies to Republicans.