Don't Play In Traffic

Quick brain dump:

• Here's a list of things we do in our bedrooms:

• Sleep
• Fuck
• Eat
• Relax
• Cry
• Retreat
• Change clothes
• Deepthink

• Here's a list of things we do in our cars:

• Sleep
• Fuck
• Eat
• Relax
• Cry
• Retreat
• Change clothes
• Deepthink
• Drive

My point: Our vehicle interiors are emotionally/psychologically connected to our bedrooms via a perception of safety. Our car's interior is one of our safest spaces.

And like any other safe space, we're uniquely tuned to perceived threats to its safety, and by proxy, our own. In some ways, this invisible stress - the moving of our safe space through an unsafe territory (read: traffic) - is one of the deepest roots of anxiety present like static in the background of our everyday experience. "I hate driving."

So here's my non-intuitive summary: please don't stop traffic as a means of political protest, unless you've absolutely got the numbers. People can react unpredictably to perceived threats to their safety, and you NEVER know who's behind the proverbial wheel. It is simply not worth the risk (IMHO) to your life. 

(Note: this in NO way forgives the "vehicle as weapon" scenario. That is a different psychology, but tangentially connected. Separate post.)

New Rules for Democratic Candidates

We're only a couple of months into 2020 and already the proverbial ground is shifting in the political world, and having read almost 10 tweets hashtagged with #politics, I'm ready to tell Democratic candidates the best strategy (I mean, they're all the best but plural nouns confuse me when I'm short on Red Bull and simultaneously listening to a Joe Rogan podcast)

• Under no circumstances should you accept any campaign donations greater than $10. As we are well aware, this nation has a proud tradition of electing candidates that received the highest number of contributions from "everyday people." Ronald Reagan was famous for only accepting $5 bills from people on the street during his California Gubernatorial race.
•  Only hire campaign staff that are willing to work for ramen and suffering. They should be highly skilled, of course, and above reproach in every possible way.
• If participating in a "caucus", remember to take great care and consideration when selecting a high school gymnasium from which to select a representative of the nation & person who will command the the largest and most vicious military in history. Create an excel spreadsheet of all the regional mascots and accompanying wordage. Sort by proximity to a charter school. Select the one with the worst parking
• Compile a histogram timeline of words commonly used in a sexist and diminutive sense regarding women. Examples: Shrill, high pitched, whining, pathetic, bickering, easily manipulated and powerless. Now apply all of these to yourself and your party.
• Open a Twitter account and make sure your notifications are audible. That way you can know instantly when a random 17-year old fresh into the foster system needs to hurl sexually specific accusations into your DM's at 3am. He'll be a voter one day, so remember that!
• Some voting blocs may demand specific concessions, like watching you fuck a bald eagle. Bear in mind you support "big tent" politics and if it takes a few eagle-fuckers to get you into office so you can finally enact  your Great Plan For America, well, then the eagle-fuckers get a voice. Just a less than $10 per individual eagle-fucker voice... 
• DON'T BE UNELECTABLE: Here are some things that typically earn a candidate the dreaded "unelectable" scarlet letter...
• Being a woman
• Being a Democrat
• Being non-white
• Speaking languages other than "American"
• Having parents from somewhere other than "just up the road"
• Complete sentences.
• Hold no wealth. Homes and steady incomes are for the 1%. To truly represent the "real america" you must suffer more than your constituents. If you've gone to college, be sure to convey you learned nothing.
• Listen to your constituents (or their favorite podcast). The corpulent, high-school dropout truck driver who's double-wide sits in floodplain most likely possesses a nuanced grasp of the finer contours of international diplomacy. Just kidding! He likes meth.

Final note: NONE of this applies to Republicans.